It is a long and winding road filled with A LOT of unknowns
On August 9, 2024 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. When I got the call that Friday at 4:30 pm, I already had a slight inkling that the results might be positive as I had been waiting a week and had to call Kaiser to find out when I would be hearing something. The member services employee who answered the phone let me know that there was an email waiting for my doctor. The fact that they had not released it directly to me meant that a call was necessary. Which meant the news would not be great. But I was still in denial until I actually received a call with the results.
The process to get to the diagnosis had started at the end of June when I found a small, pea sized lump in my right breast. I found it by accident when I was putting on a sports bra that was too tight. I happened to be going to a PT appointment for my shoulder, and I had been wanting to talk to my GP about perimenopause symptoms I had been experiencing, so I decided to make a last minute appointment since I was at Kaiser anyway. This is relevant to share as I am like most other people – extremely busy, a mom of a 4 and 6 year old, a pre/postanatal yoga instructor teaching multiple times a week, and the Director of a yoga studio for new and expecting moms. Long story short, I take care of people, and I rarely prioritize myself. So the fortuitous nature as to how I discovered this lump and the quick follow up is a silver lining in this diagnosis.
When I saw my GP, she said she “did not think it was cancer”, but she was not the expert, so to err on the side of caution, she sent me to the breast surgeon to get an ultrasound. The breast surgeon sent me along to the radiologist to get a mammogram and a better ultrasound. At that appointment, they found a 2nd spot – a calcium deposit. As the radiologist looked at the ultrasound he decided I should get a biopsy on both – a needle biopsy for the lump and a stereotactic biopsy calcium deposit. As I was leaving, the radiologist said to me “I am really honest and I would tell you if what I saw on the imaging was definitely cancer. I can’t say either way, so to err on the side of caution, let’s do the biopsies.”
I was on my way to Maui for a wedding, so the biopsies were scheduled for the end of July when I returned. I was able to put the possibility of cancer out of my mind and enjoy my trip with my family. Mostly because I had heard from a couple doctors that the chance of cancer was low – I was 43, healthy, no genetic history – and to be perfectly honest, I was ignorant about who cancer affects.
As in, cancer was not going to get me as I was only 43. My boobs had passed inspection 13 months earlier when I had my first mammogram. I practice yoga. I work out. I had more or less stopped drinking a couple of years earlier as it no longer served me. I eat pretty clean. I am aware of the toxins that surround us and purchase non-toxic products as much as I can. I use non-nano sunscreen.
But it turns out, we are not in control of cancer and it can come for anyone (thank you universe for this really in your face life lesson on letting go!!) Which I found out that fateful August day.
And when I got the call, I just went numb. My heart started beating fast, I could literally feel adrenaline and cortisol, the body’s natural defense hormones when there is a perceived threat, start to pump through my veins. I had a hard time processing what I was hearing. I was outside on the phone, my 4 year old son was calling me from inside the house, I could hardly take a breath. I had a friend on the way from the airport who was staying at our house for a couple days with her 3 year old. I needed to call my husband. And my brain was literally not working. To be perfectly honest, I am not quite sure what happened next. I think I called my husband who told me “we got this”, and then I went inside and helped my kids with whatever they needed.
I spent the weekend basically living outside of my body. I still did not know any details, I could not manage to access any of the tools in my tool kit (deep breathing, meditation, yoga). What I remember is I did not want to be alone, not even for a minute. Maybe I was scared my brain would start working again and I would have to think about the reality of what I was now facing . . .
On Tuesday, my husband and I met with the breast surgeon who told me I have triple+ breast cancer (that is when I learned that not all breast cancer is the same) and what the treatment plan would entail – mastectomy, IV chemo, targeted endocrine therapy, possibly radiation. About an hour into the conversation, my brain went offline again and I stopped computing what she was saying.
The next two weeks went by with Dr. appointments, an MRI, another biopsy, this time on a lymph node that looked plump. A horrible weekend with many fatalistic thoughts in my brain as I waited to hear the results of the latest biopsy (negative – FINALLY GOOD NEWS!!). And then beginning to settle into my new normal. As the shock and overwhelm started to dissipate, I found myself able to take deep breaths again, to step back into my yoga practice, and begin to find silver linings to my situation.
I have heard from many people who have gone on this journey before me that the beginning of the process, the waiting is the worst part. Waiting for your test results, waiting to figure out the extent of the spread, waiting to figure out your treatment plan, waiting, waiting, waiting . . . Underneath that all is a fear of the unknown and the acknowledgment that we can never have total control over life.
So I surrender. I am committing to trusting the process, my medical team, and myself. The yoga pose that resonates with me right now is humble warrior. I embrace the warrior spirit of resilience, strength and determination with an open heart as I bow to the universe and all it has to teach me.
