Every treatment on your cancer journey comes with it’s own set of challenges.
Last week I finished radiation. I had 16 treatments total, every weekday for three weeks, plus one day. As with every treatment step in this process, I am relieved to have this chapter behind me. Radiation was harder than expected. The actual treatment process is pretty quick and easy and you do not feel anything while you are on the table. Plus the common side effects of fatigue and a burning rash do not typically show up until the end of the third week, so the physical aspects of radiation are not as challenging as chemo. But mentally I had a hard time adjusting to radiation. This surprised me a bit at first, but when I had a two day break that first weekend and was able to take some time and space to process, I realized that for the first time during this journey, I set expectations about the process. That nothing could be as challenging as chemo and because the side effects or radiation are minimal, it would be easy for me to ramp up my life outside of cancer treatment. When those expectations were not met, I caused myself a lot of mental stress letting that go and being in the reality of what I was actually experiencing.
Having a four week break in between chemo and radiation allowed me just enough time to feel like cancer was not the focal point of every day. Yes, I was tired and depleted and not 100%, but I did not have daily doctor appointments or horrible side effects or treatments that I had to show up for. I started to feel a little more spacious with my time and energy. I added a new class to my schedule at the studio and asked for a new work project. There were so many plans that had been put on pause when I was diagnosed last August and with that small window in between treatments, I pushed the pedal towards the metal, so ready to get back to some sense of my previous life.
And then it was time for radiation. And back to being a cancer patient. The first step of the process is going to the cancer center for a mapping appointment. They do a scan to figure out the area that they are going to radiate. During that scan you lay with your arms above your head on some thermoplastic material that they mold so that you are in the exact same position during every session. You then get a couple of pinpoint tattoos (I had no idea I would be getting free tattoos out of this cancer experience, LOL!) and are on your way.
When you come back for your daily treatment, you walk through the center and into a small changing room where your hospital gown is waiting for you in a cubby with your name and end date marked on it. You change, step into the waiting area where the tech comes to get you and takes you back to the radiation room. You climb up on the table, open up your hospital gown and lay back into the mold while the techs adjust and measure to make sure you are in the right spot. Then they leave the room and a large machine overhead revolves around and sends radiation into your body. This whole process takes about 10 minutes from the time you walk through the front door to when you leave.
All in all, the process is pretty painless. But I was out of the rhythm of treatment and that first week I felt anxious and overwhelmed. I had set an expectation for myself that this part of my cancer treatment was going to be easier than the previous part. I was so excited to be done with chemo that I decided radiation would be a breeze, as nothing could be as challenging as that phase. But it turns out that every cancer treatment is challenging in its own way. Because of the commute time, the whole trip takes about three hours. With that commitment and the limited kid-free time I have, that was a chunk of each day. So the extra class I had committed to teaching as well as the work project I asked for? Those additional responsibilities had to be put on pause for another couple of weeks. I was really disappointed about that truth and I resisted it for the first week of treatment. Still feeling like I should be able to do it all, and then feeling inadequate and disappointed in myself when I could not. This was a scarcity mindset loophole I had been caught in for awhile before my cancer diagnosis and even though I have been working on shifting my mindset through meditation, I fell back into the pattern of this thought process when I was overwhelmed that first week.
Having cancer treatment every day made cancer the focal part of my day. With chemo being every three weeks, there was often a time in the month when I felt ok and could go about my normal schedule without having to be reminded that I was a cancer patient. When I do not have to feel like a cancer patient every day, it is a lot easier to go about life and feel a sense of normalcy.
The clinical nature of the radiation treatment makes you feel less like Ashley and more like just another cancer patient. There is a lack of human connection because of the way the process is set up. You walk into the building, change, get on the table, and then leave. As opposed to the infusion center where you are greeted by Russel who asks how you are He is friendly and warm and from the start creates an empathetic and compassionate experience. And then you are assigned a nurse for your 6 hour treatment who will offer you warm blankets and water. There is time to chat about your kids or your passions or what you are reading. These little moments make you feel more human. More of a whole person beyond just being a cancer patient. The way that radiation is set up does not leave a lot of room for those interactions and this contributed to my anxiety and mental discomfort at the beginning. Once I realized this after the first week, I made an effort to chat with the other women who were waiting for treatment if there was the opportunity. It helped me loosen up a bit and remember that we are all people going through an awfully uncomfortable experience.
Processing a change takes time and fighting against the reality of your life can cause you mental anguish and anxiety. When we are attached to how we want things to be or how we think they should be, it takes us away from the present moment and can cause stress and overwhelm. This is a lesson the universe presents to me time and time again. Sometimes when this lesson shows up, I integrate it quickly and give myself grace to get used to a new experience. And sometimes it takes a bit longer for me to realize that I am not showing up in the present moment open and curious.
I spent the first week of radiation resisting the reality of what I was going through because I am so ready to move beyond this stage in my life. It took me the whole week before I was able to take a moment and acknowledge why I was experiencing overwhelm as well as accept that any new experience takes a little bit of time to adjust to and everything in cancer treatment for most of us is new, unknown, and can feel really scary. What helped me process was taking some time away from my kids and my routine that first weekend of treatment. I went away for the night and was able to spend time with my cousin and just unpack everything.
Once I had time to process how I was feeling, I felt more spacious in my mind and body. My central nervous system finally calmed down and I felt ready to take some proactive steps to set myself up for success for the rest of my radiation treatment.
- I set the intention to commit to a morning ritual that nourishes me. This involves stepping outside first thing every morning to align my circadian rhythm to the day, as well as foam rolling and jumping around my living room for two minutes to support my immune system (side note – my husband and kids have all been sick the last two weeks and I have stayed healthy, so I am feeling like I may be on to something . . . )
- Looking over my schedule for the week, I found 30 minutes each day to schedule some kind of movement practice. For me that is walking or yoga.
- I then wrote down everything I needed to accomplish that week, divided it into 3 buckets – work, personal, kids – divided my paper by day, and prioritized 1 to 2 things I would get done each day. This accomplished two things. All of the things from each bucket and assigned them to a day. This helped me feel that I was “putting down” a lot of the mental load I carry. I felt lighter after that. And by picking one or two things from each bucket that I would accomplish each day, I was setting realistic goals of what I could actually get done each day. When you have a running list of 20 items and you cross off 2 of them, you feel like you did not do enough. You end up operating from a scarcity mindset. When you have 6 items on your list and you cross them all off, you feel accomplished and successful and are operating from an abundant mindset.
The time I spent investing in my plan for the week paid off. I got up Monday morning and did my short morning ritual. It felt hard, but I knew if I had to “fake it until you make it” and each day it got a bit easier. Three weeks later, it has become routine and something I rely on to start my day.
I did end up getting a rash that is itchy and uncomfortable. It showed up at the end of the third week and got a little worse this last week, but is now getting better. For anyone going through radiation, calendula gel and real aloe (you can buy a little plant and take a piece of the plant with you) are a great option to help soothe the discomfort. Put them on directly after each treatment. Start on day 1 and continue through your whole treatment even before the symptoms show up. It will hopefully mitigate the severity. And make sure you put it all over the treatment area – armpit, chest, even your upper back as the radiation will go all the way through your body. I also felt super dehydrated throughout the process, like my body could not absorb enough water. My eyes, nose, and mouth felt really dry and I was not pooping daily so I added a hydration packet to a glass of water. My radiation oncologist said this was not directly related, but since radiation affects the water in your body, I can not say I agree with him.
