You are more than your breast cancer diagnosis.
At the end of April, I attended a yoga retreat in Ojai. It was a gift I gave myself. Four days away from work, kids, and all the other responsibilities in my life. A time to rest, replenish, and heal. It is something I would have talked myself out of before my cancer diagnosis as it was a financial investment and a lot of work to get everything in order so I could be away from my family for a long weekend. But it was worth all the prep work and the financial investment was just that – an investment. In my health and wellness and in my healing.
I picked this retreat because it was being led by two teachers that I had studied under when I was first pursuing my yoga teachers certification in 2012. It was a women’s wellness retreat and it felt like an invitation to come home to myself. The last year has been so cancer centric and I was looking forward to being around like-minded women who may be on a transformative journey, but not necessarily because of cancer.
I showed up to the weekend with no set intention in mind beyond wanting to relax and regulate my central nervous system. I was excited to have someone else do all the meal planning and execution,, to practice yoga, to get a massage, and take time 100% devoted to me. I had no expectations as to what the weekend might bring in terms of self-exploration. Throughout my cancer journey, I felt like I had been doing a good job processing the experience. I did not expect any big insights to come up for me on my retreat. But when I stepped on my mat during that first evening and was guided to call up an intention the words, I am whole, materialized in my mind. I was very surprised that this idea presented itself since from the very beginning, I have been making a conscientious effort to view this process through a holistic, integrated lens. It made me realize I had been feeling very disembodied since August, without really knowing it. Ever since my diagnosis, I had been viewing myself through the compartmentalized lens of breast cancer.
The idea of being whole. Integrated. More than just cancer. Embodied. It was an idea that I had been intellectualizing but not embracing internally. When you are told that some of the cells in your body have gone rogue and are actually operating in a way that is making you sick, could possibly kill you, you can not help but have your life revolve around breast cancer. And your focus (along with your doctors’, and everyone else in your life who is on the journey with you) is laser pointed towards one part of your body. Even with the more integrated approach to my cancer care I had intentionally chosen, I was mentally and emotionally stuck in a very small part of my body.
Once I showed up on the mat with no expectations, started moving and dropping into my interoception, there was a moment of clarity. My energy started to flow from the areas that it had been stuck in and the mind-body relationship shifted towards synergy and harmony. We live in a modern world that does little to promote this connection, so making it to the mat is an opportunity for me to somatically show up and unwind trauma that may be deeply embedded energetically. Compounded by the fact that whatever came up for me on the mat, I then had the time and space that weekend to explore my thoughts. I was able to really reflect and deeply process. I think this is truly what we are missing in our overly busy lives. The time to sit with our emotions and integrate our experiences so that we can grow and evolve.
It was also surprising to me that this realization bubbled up to the surface during the first yoga practice of the retreat. The concept of needing to feel whole again was just out of reach. And until I stepped away from routine and my habitual patterns and quieted my mind enough to listen to my inner knowing, it was a realization that I could not quite grasp. But that is why taking time to be quiet with yourself, to hear your thoughts and tune into your intuition is so important. Because once you are quiet, and have time and space to process, you can learn so much about yourself.
Throughout the weekend I kept repeating my mantra, I am whole, to myself. Calling up my intention. Like planting a seed and watering it so it would grow. And I explored what that meant. Who was I before cancer, who am I now, and who will I be after I am done with treatment? The answer is simple. I am me. The same person I have always been, but with more knowledge, more self-efficacy, and the understanding of how to better show up for myself. Being whole is listening to my inner knowing and integrating that knowledge to support myself physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically, and spiritually. Being whole means approaching life with curiosity and a growth mindset so that I am open to the unknown. It means moving in ways that help me feel full and embodied. Being whole means taking up space. And it means setting boundaries so that I have the energy to show up fully for the things I commit to doing.
Keeping this mantra as my focal point through the rest of my treatment will be a challenge. But I am committed to myself and my health and I know that feeling like a whole being is integral to my well being. It goes against the grain of living in a society that likes to categorize and break things into parts. It goes against the paradigm of the conventional western medical system that likes to compartmentalize your body and your health. But I know how I felt in my body as I drove home from my yoga retreat. I felt full. Full of love, of energy, of gratitude, of joy, and of life. I felt fully embodied and I felt healthy. So I continue to repeat my mantra to myself daily and I am commit to creating moments of pause in my week so I can come home again and again to the idea that I am more than my breast cancer.
