You have to learn to be okay not being okay
Tomorrow is my last chemo treatment. So how am I feeling? I am having a hard time getting into a good headspace about it. The treatments are so taxing on your body – physically, mentally, emotionally – plus your body goes into chemically induced menopause and the lack of estrogen and progesterone in your body produces symptoms like anxiety, low stress tolerance, quick to rage . . . so not a great combination when already feeling physically worn out. The common response from people when they hear that it is my last treatment is along the lines of “you got this” or “you are almost at the finish line. One more push!” All true. All said with love and encouragement. I appreciate the positivity and support, but I am having a challenging time embodying any of these sentiments. It is hard to explain unless you have been in active treatment for breast cancer. Your body and mind do not feel like your own. And you have to push through the physical and emotional challenges while feeling under-resourced all the time. For most of my treatment, I have been able to access my yoga and meditation practice to help me mentally. I have made conscious choices about my nutrition and what I put into my body. I have made an effort to do some kind of movement daily. I have been aware of my energetics and have chosen to emotionally stay in a place of gratitude, of love, and of joy because those higher frequency emotions are powerful and have been proven to epigenetically aid the healing process of your cells. All of that takes a lot of work and I have been doing the work. I am motivated to support my body’s natural healing intelligence and the work feels nurturing most of the time. But this last week I have felt down mentally, emotionally, and physically. The chemo brain fog is real. The fatigue is real. The lack of emotional resilience is real. And I have had a hard time accessing my toolkit as I navigate the end of chemo with a body that has been through the ringer. I know that there are going to be good days, and there are going to be bad days and one of the bigger challenges when you are going through something hard in life is learning that it is okay to not be okay. And to sit in that discomfort without judgement or shame. We have to show up for all of our emotional experiences, no matter how painful they are, or they are destined to continue manifesting in our lives in different ways.
When I teach my yoga classes to new and expecting moms, I talk a lot about giving yourself grace when it comes to the challenges of motherhood. Nobody is a perfect parent and the outside stressors and realities of life can be a lot. Add on parenting young kids – being sleep deprived, hormonal fluctuations, the feelings of overwhelm with all the time and energy young kids need, and the suddenness of your whole identity shifting from who you were before kids to who you are now. I can actually find a lot of similarities between the transformation of early motherhood and the transformative process of a cancer diagnosis when it comes to the sometimes unpredictable, topsy turvy wave of emotions that you go through during these times. You can easily roll from a feeling of gratitude and love to a feeling of anxiety and exhaustion.
What I tell my new mamas is that in order to get through this emotional rollercoaster, they need to allow themselves to sit in the reality of all their emotions and they need to treat themselves like they would treat a friend who told them they were sad, or frustrated, or overwhelmed. With kindness and empathy. They also need to find a community where they can share, be heard, and hold space for other people who are in the same boat. Because when we go through a transformation in our lives, becoming a parent, losing a loved one, or a health crisis, we rarely have time to sit and process any part of the journey. Life does not stop and responsibilities are still present as you navigate your new normal. The human condition is filled with commonalities when it comes to how we operate. Every single one of us feels overwhelmed, anxious, inadequate, tired, and just plain over it from time to time. If we can carve out a couple of minutes to observe with those emotions, to share how we are feeling, and realize we are not alone in our challenges, we have the opportunity to experience some really beautiful emotional growth.
So I am taking my own advice. I am going to meet myself with kindness and compassion and not beat myself up for yelling at my daughter this morning because my stress tolerance is shot. I am not going to feel inadequate for leaving some to do’s on my list today. I am going to acknowledge that the last 5 months have been beyond challenging and being cancer treatment fucking sucks. I am also going to make time tonight to attend an online breast cancer support group as it always helps to hear from other people who are on a similar journey.
It is okay to feel sadness. It is okay to feel frustration. It is okay to not feel okay. And when you start to accept that feeling negative emotions are part of the human experience, you also realize that these emotions are impermanent. This too shall pass. Tomorrow as I sit in the chemo chair and wear the cold cap for the last time, there will probably be feelings of accomplishment and gratitude. And I will have room for those positive emotions because I made the time to sit with and process the negative feelings that I have been experiencing the last few days.
